


A Pair of Unsuited Hearts

by Twifight_Sparkill



Category: D&D - Fandom
Genre: F/M, Hero Worship, Human/Monster Romance, Other
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-07-02
Updated: 2018-09-28
Packaged: 2019-06-01 06:01:57
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 7,632
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15136694
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Twifight_Sparkill/pseuds/Twifight_Sparkill
Summary: A road-weary warrior rescues a kobold princess from a harrowing fate, and the results of such soon become a mess of circumstances neither have the wherewithal to determine. Unlucky at everything else so far in their lives, each will have to find a way to change their fortune - whether the other likes it or not.





	1. Chapter 1

"Saviour, where are we going?" the anxious kobold girl begged after me in a frightened squeak, scrambling to keep up as we marched through the drab city streets, trying to peer out beneath my raincloak's heavy cowl. 

"For food and bed," I responded without glancing back, the doting clicks of her frantic footclaws ticking upon the drenched cobbled road close behind, causing a distinct ruckus in contrast to my horse's casual gait. 

"... and a bath. Definitely a bath." 

I darted from the crowded main streets and into the maze of dirty alleyways that would lead us to my favourite Inn. I could hear her huffing for breath as she struggled to keep up. 

"... tell me we're almost there!" she gasped. 

"We're almost there," I replied, waving dismissively. "Just try to keep... oh." 

Tiny clawed hands suddenly grabbed one of my large gloved own, and I was surprised to see a brightly smiling monster staring up at me, albeit breathless, chest heaving as she wheezed for air. 

"Do you promise?" she pleaded, maintaining the same strained smile she'd worn since we'd met. 

I nodded a bit, being nearly impressed with her unmitigated resolve - considering a mere few hours prior she'd been the unwilling mistreated guest of a vicious goblin slaver troupe, likely headed to the Western Wastes where all bad things congregated.

===

Having heard a woman's cries for help from the main road, echoing off into the dense woodlands that surrounded us, curiosity and panic immediately found me abandoning my stalwart steed and the relentless downpour we'd suffered through for several days. 

I ran towards the source of the distant wails, stumbling headlong through the suffocating brush for what seemed to be forever and catching every bramble and thorny vine in either my face or eyes, then found myself in the middle of a makeshift camp clearing containing several dozen goblin warriors. 

Great. Just great. 

They promptly surrounded me, screaming raucous gutteral curses and vile threats for my intrusion, each one heavily armoured and armed to the teeth.

"The princess is our treasure, hyoo-man filth. Valuable cargo. I'm surprised you found her, considering how careful we've been," their leader growled. "No matter! Your rescue is a failure! You shall die here!" 

I begged to differ. With earnest. 

It took my sword and roughly seven minutes to prove them all very wrong, barely breaking a sweat in the process. Yeah, I'm the failure.

Their prisoner was draped in a swaddle of stained blankets at the back of a cage in the slaver's caravan, covered from head to toe. After physically wresting off the door's padlock, I beckoned for the mewling girl to leave her prison. 

I assured her that she was safe, that all the goblins were gone, and that I'd take her back to her family. 

"Oh Spirits, my prayers have been answered!" a joyous female voice exclaimed, her body bursting from the blankets, arms outstretched towards me. "My hero, my saviour!" 

To my almost-but-not-entire surprise, the captive wasn't human at all. Despite speaking the tongue convincingly, she was some sort of... lizard person-thing - a Kobold I presumed, although I only knew snippets about the uncommon species.

As it was, the girl appeared as a diminutive mossy-green reptile dressed in some dirty tribal gown, tail wagging and hands clasped together in grateful praise. That's about all I cared to notice, sparing that I was absently impressed that she spoke our language... 

... well, and she possessed the largest pair of bosoms I'd ever seen in my sordid life. On anything. Anywhere. Humongous, pendulous orbs bulged forth from her diminutive frame, the sheer enormity of which called the infinite sense of the Gods into serious question. They were now born before me, in bold reality, as if begging for me to question my sanity. 

That was about it. Oh, and her eyes were gold, I believe.

"You're free - get up, let's go," I said quietly, turning and leaving her alone in the caravan, her empty arms still hanging in the air. 

The reptile femme eventually followed me through the brush to the road, shivering for the miserable conditions. I removed my raincloak, threw it around her shoulders and tied it neatly secure beneath her chin, then heaved her ungainly mass onto my horse - I turned her side-saddle since she was about the size of a child, then led us towards my initial destination: Ulrd Draec. 

"I've never been near a horse before," the kobold eventually offered, attempting to dispel the suffocating unease with a banal attempt at distraction. "They smell kind of nice." 

"He prefers quiet," I snorted, wiping the torrential wet from my eyes. 

"Oh, all right. What's his name, good sir?" 

"His name is Suaho," I muttered dryly. 

"Goodness, such a stately name!" the cheery girl declared, stroking pats atop my horse's mane. "Does it have any particular significance? 

"Yes. It stands for 'Shut-Up-And-Hang-On.'" 

"Does it really? What a strange... oh, oh," she frowned, shaking her head. "Yes, of course. I understand. I'm sorry for... er, never mind." 

Barring a few feral grunts of frustration as she fought to keep herself in her ill-fitting rags as the bounding step of my steed threatened to heave her chest from them, she managed to keep to herself.

I was grateful for that much, as I'd yet to actually formulate exactly what had just transpired - it all happened so fast. What a nuisance. 

===

Having arrived quite late after putting my horse in the stables and paying the appropriate amount of money out to those asking, I made concise and brusque arrangements with the innkeeper to have our meals delivered to our room, then made for the public baths without further word - my found creature companion was in close tow, wearing a decidedly distressed expression. 

I was tired, hungry, and needed a long wash. She probably did too. We'd talk later. 

Upon reaching the social baths, I was quickly naked and soaking up to my chest in the steaming hot waters in record time. It couldn't have come any sooner, the late arrival also entitling us to having the facilities solely to ourselves. I'd been aching for this moment, and nothing could keep me from it.

"Blessed God, thank you for this grace," I muttered gratefully, the warming waters releasing every besotted knot of tight muscles that'd become my entirety of late.

Moments later, I was reminded that I had company to consider; the irritating clack of nervous toeclaws behind my head rousing me from my fleeting ecstasy - the princess apparently required allowance before entering the bath, for some unfathomable reason. Pun not intended.

"Get in," I eventually relented. 

She slipped carefully into the tiled pool beside me, pressing her heavy chest against my body, then tied her thin arms about my waist.

"I owe you my life," the lizard murmured, choking back a sob. "You're a divine gift; delivered to my side after endless weeks of prayers and wishes by the merciful spirits, and I am indebted beyond words. Thank you, thank you."

I didn't respond, having become blissfully paralyzed by the soothing waters, save loosing a long delighted sigh. I imagined floating in the bath forever; uninterrupted. Alone and completely removed from the world. Happy and alone. 

"Everything I have is yours now, and anything I ever come to own will be given in penance for your selfess act of daring and bravery! Your wish is my command, saviour. Anything, anything I can manage will be yours without question."

... except I wasn't alone. 

"Okay, that's all fine," I said, shrugging. "After this we'll eat a big hot meal and sleep in soft beds. Sound good?"

"I'll grant you every desire you harbour," she continued, pointedly brushing her glistening attributes against me. "You have but to ask, you know."

I shook her flimsy cling away enough to start cleaning. I stood up, scrubbed every inch of my tired, scarred body, grabbing my stick of soap and wiping it into my hair, my face, thorough and practiced. I offered the buxom monster my soap and a clean facecloth to wash as she needed. 

"Let's just clean up and go from there," I offered, paying her no other mind. "We can talk over dinner."

I climbed out of the water and started to dry myself off. I watched as she set to washing herself, sticking her soapy washcloth about and between the crevices and crooks of her buoyant globes with comical effort, and despite the hilarious display, I began to consider the bleak future: there's no possible way I could reasonably guarantee her safety if she travelled with me, despite my promises. 

I had my own issues, and she... wouldn't survive being around me. Nobody ever has. I'd have to figure a way to send her back to whatever lands she'd come from in the next two days and return to the mission at hand. 

"Saviour, I am clean and ready to go."

I was only just dried off, freshly dusted and getting clothed, when the pathetic wet lizard came up and offered my soap and facecloth as if they had some religious significance. 

"Fine by me," I said, taking the items from her outstretched paws, throwing a towel roughly over her horned head. "Get dry, get dressed, and let's go eat. I'm starving."

As I packed our less essential belongings, I watched the poor kobold dry off - her eyes were what caught me, defying the uncomfortable confident devotions she'd offered in the bath, flashing the first true sign that she was absolutely terrified. 

"Get dressed now," I instructed. "Our food will be cold by now, hm? A good meal will do you wonders."

I knelt down and gave her a brisk rub with the towel she'd fumbled with, careful not to be too rough. 

She complied, dressing up in a semblance of decency despite her wrecked outfit. I took her dainty scaled hand and guided her to our room, paying no mind to her nosing my fingers until safely inside. I locked the door behind us, checked the mattresses for bugs or anything else unacceptable, then set to unpacking my supplies.

"Go sit on that bed, princess," I issued. She complied docily, resting her hands atop her chest as she was wont to, watching everything I did with the same childly attention that a wounded dog would pay after given a shred of kindness by a stranger; awestruck and distressed. It was a bit uncomfortable.

Thankfully dinner was still hot, waiting upon the table for our return, delicious smells permeating the small chamber in savoury spiced promise. 

Satisfied that everything was in order, I issued the kobold to her meal with a gesture. She jumped up and leapt into her chair, sniffing the lovely mutton offering with a smile - the third or fourth one I'd ever seen on a monster, honestly. I wasn't getting used to it. 

"Eat," I commanded. Which she did, using the utensils provided in a nearly human manner. I watched a while, first her manners and then her face. It was... surprisingly explicative.

Kobolds weren't common from where I was from. They were regarded as a beastial society with banal religion and very basic government; small lizard people with brains and weapons that couldn't quite make the evolved leap into the world of new commerce, but were commended for trying despite being bothersome.

Most developed races considered them annoying little pests that weren't cohesive enough to be regarded as anything beyond laughable, weighed down by heavy superstitions and constant infighting that ultimately ruined them as a trader species.

I looked on as she cleaned her plate, licked her knife and fork clean, then decided to give her my meal for dessert for being so hungry. She didn't fight much against the offer before gobbling up my dinner too, then upon finishing finally appeared genuinely happy.

"Better now?"

She blushed a little, wiping her maw with a napkin, and nodded.

"I'm very full," she said. "I simply cannot thank you enough for all of this, my dear saviour. I owe you so much."

"How about we start with your name?" I suggested, snatching a bit of gravy-soaked bread between us that she'd overlooked. "Aside from princess, hm? The goblins told me that much as I... well. Saved you." 

The little kobold climbed off of her chair and crawled over to me on her knees. Head bowed, hands clasped in fealty, she leaned her triangular head upon my thigh.

"I am Ashiri, child Queen of Gittermend Fold in Gershon Province," she said in a low voice, hugging my leg. "My life is now yours."

"Ashiri," I repeated. "Alright, Ashiri. Do you need anything else? Are you full? Are you clean? Are you comfortable?"

The girl looked up at me, appearing confused, wide golden eyes staring.

"Won't you offer your name as well, saviour?" 

"Oh. Right, yes. David," I answered. "Just David."

"David," she cooed into my leg, nuzzling. "I'm delighted to devote my life to you, saviour David."

"Again, just David will do," I responded, patting a yawn. "Go to sleep, Ashiri. Tomorrow we'll be planning on how to get you back to... wait. Did you say Gershon?"

It suddenly hit me. Admittedly having never been a bonafide navigator, my mind recalled that the distance between our being in Peshawar Province meant that we were... almost an entire continent apart.

Fuck.

On a side note, why was it that a small goblin hoard were so determined to march a huge-breasted kobold princess this far west!? Having said that, how had she survived being such an obviously fragile cargo?

"You're a long way from home," I muttered defeatedly. 

The kobold shook her head, standing up from me. She shed her clothes, drawing her small paws about the immensity of her curves, and made an attempt at appearing sultry. It was... weird, to say the least.

"I am at home by your side," she insisted, smiling up at me, sidling closer. "I'm yours in every way, hm? It was deemed by the Gods. I happily devote my heart and body to you, dearest David."

I stacked the dishes and set them outside the door, ignoring her words and nudity. 

"We... wait! We'll make a wonderful warren of children, I assure you! I've passed the ritual of fertility and was fated to birth the new king - that's why the goblins stole me away, hm? Saints preserve us, for your intervention, you have been chosen as the father of the modern world! I will give you a king and a hundred other strong babies! I promise! Are you listening?"

I stood up, pushed the kobold aside, and fell heavily onto one of the two beds.

"Goodnight," I grunted. "Put your clothes back on and go to sleep. Conversation over."

"Oh. Well, okay. We can talk about it tomorrow," she said in a tiny voice. "Can I sleep with you?" 

"No," I spoke into the pillow, then promptly fell asleep.

To be continued.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Strangers share an uncomfortable night and a bit of breakfast.

Haunting images persisted throughout my dreams; insisting reminders of the cruelties and atrocities I'd exacted in the name of my issued quest - flashing faces of the various numerous dead laid out by my sword in effort to save my mother and sisters. 

I'd never slept very well, upon recollection.

Some time into the wee morning, my senses reeled and my body reacted - I snapped awake and moved quickly for the blade I kept beneath my pillow, and in that split-second of violent maneuvering threw a ball of cuddled kobold princess off of my bed and heavily onto the floor. 

"Oh, for the love of everything sacred," I cursed under my breath, mopping my brow with an open palm, scouring the room before addressing the issue I'd thrown to the ground in case anything else had gone completely wrong. 

Fumbling through the darkness after her mewling, I finally managed around the bed and found the girl folded into a very uncomfortable heap between our bunks, thrashing her harmless foreclaws in the midst of some nightmare, mumbling some nonsensical kobold dialect. 

"You're a mess too I see," I whispered, petting the princess' cheek tenderly. She visibly calmed, humming in relief, leaning into my hand. "Looks like I'm going to have to change my plans because of you. Even though it's partially my own fault for meddling, I still mostly blame you for this."

I gathered the bulbous beast into my arms, set her back into her bed as I could manage, then waited until she'd eventually stopped making noise - save for sucking her thumb, which made me roll my eyes. 

"You're safe. I'm here." 

It occurred to me that after having endured so many months of frightened loneliness and sworn to be my... whatever she was on about, I should have known that seeking some kind of unconscious reassurance wasn't untowards - I did just save her life, after all.

I'd always considered myself to be more thoughtful than most, and I felt a bit of failure for not recognizing that maintaining a tough distance might be detrimental ... to be fair, I wasn't used to company. Any company. Especially... well, never mind anything of the opposite sex. Or with scales and claws. I wasn't the most social person for anyone in any situation, and I preferred that.

I fell back into bed, wondering at what to do now that I'd been burdened with a traumatized refugee - having no resources to afford her a ride home, be able to continue my own business, or... so many complications.

Thankfully sleep spared me the trouble of fretting about it after a few minutes. 

===

Upon recognizing that my dreams were over, I was first aware of her scent; Ashiri had a soft, pleasant odor that I'd noticed initially whilst removing her chains after putting down her vicious kidnappers - a mixture of cool leather and fragrant grasses that struck me as a late summer's breeze.

It was quite prominent right now, accented with soap and the lingering smell of last night's dinner.

Opening my reluctant eyes, I was confronted by a smiling kobold face inches from mine. Her eyes shone bright enough to make me squint, long slim legs straddled about my waist, heavy breasts bouncing in tandem as her tail wagged slow in delight. 

"Oh David, I could spend forever here looking at you," Ashiri cooed, lowering to press a kiss at my lips.

Before she'd a chance to touch me, I placed my large hands gently at her shoulders and gave her a firm push, sending her sprawling backwards. 

"You're obviously not aware of personal space, nor how to respect such," I muttered, avoiding her lashing about as I made neatly off the bed towards the door. "It almost got you killed last night, so you know."

The monster girl set upright and glared at me, snorting in frustration - she wore a laughable grimace, far too dramatic in lieu, almost comical enough to make me smile. Almost. 

"I don't know what you're referring to," she huffed, busily righting her ruined outfit about the clumsy weight of her massive chest. "I'll have you know that I was comfortably tucked in bed and... ahem. When daylight gracefully touched at the horizon, bathing the skies in purples and yellows, you were over here, snoring softly... mm, so sweetly. I... I was only concerned about your welfare! You needn't be so rough with your faithful servant, David. Have some restraint! Unless you'd prefer to be rough, um."

"Since when do I own a servant?" I snapped, halting her train of thought, quirking a brow.

"Well I... I mean, I'm yours in every way! You don't seem to be interested at all in... if you would rather, to suspend any religious stigma, I suppose you could always refer to me as your wi-"

I hastily opened the door and found a plentiful plate of breakfast there, piled high with meats and eggs. I brought it in and set it upon the table, taking a slab of ham from it with my fingers before beckoning the kobold to join me.

"I'd prefer you stop talking and eat some breakfast," I interrupted. 

She grudgingly took the adjacent seat from me and glared with a defeated expression. I sat down slowly, picking at some bacon.

"I was trying to... hmpf. Fine, as you command," she muttered ruefully. 

"Don't start that. I don't command anyone or anything. Just... look, I'd prefer if you just did... things normally, okay? Act naturally? Try to relax. You've been through a lot. We both have. Understood?"

Ashiri nodded sullenly, plucking a slice of toasted bread in her small hands, peeling the crust off slowly.

"Anyway, for future reference, don't get into bed with me when I'm sleeping," I managed between chews, tearing the fatty bacon in my teeth. "I don't react well to intruders. Got it? I don't want to hurt you. I almost gutted you when you'd curled up on me during the night."

"What do you mean? I didn't get into bed with you until this morning! When you were sleeping, so docile... your harsh features relaxed and so peaceful, mm. I felt your breath on my face, the warmth of your body beneath me... you didn't seem to mind my crawling on top of you, hm?"

I made a dramatic grab at the pitcher of tepid water we'd had during dinner the previous night, took a few loud swigs, then slammed it against the table. 

"Never mind! Just don't do it, please. I rescued you from one perilous event, yes? Let's not tempt another. End of discussion."

The kobold scowled, staying quiet, gnawing her bread thoughtfully. It was cute. Almost.

I took an egg and popped it into my mouth, finally electing to look the little monster princess over properly - despite her racial make, she wasn't altogether unattractive; beyond her gratuitous endowments, she possessed a slender grace that was complimented by long, colourful serpentine features akin to the paintings of grand dragons that adorned the halls of the rich Lords I'd served - a small selection of scalie symmetry that'd appeal to anything with sense to see, some reptilian bauble of inhuman beauty placed solemnly in the seat across from me and giving me the hardest look of disdain. Laughable. Nearly.

"You know, now that I look at you properly, you're quite pretty," I stated with no particular inflection between bites. "You're the first kobold I've ever seen. Are all kobolds as pretty as you?

Ashiri balked at me, swallowing her breakfast before her mouth fell agape in shock.

"I... you think I'm pretty?"

"Well aye, for a kobold, I guess. Again, I haven't seen a kobold before, so... yeah. I'd describe you as pretty."

She immediately flushed, fanning herself with a forepaw, fluttering her eyelids and smiling wildly.

"Oh David, you flatter me! I'm so... I'm so happy! The very idea that you think I'm attractive, it stirs so many things in me that-"

"So tell me, what's with those things exactly?" I continued nonchalantly, gesturing at her giant breasts. "Never seen anything like 'em. I mean, is that size typical of your... you know, your species? Or are you just a big girl by happenstance?"

"Wuh-what are you asking?" she yelped, vainly attempting to cover her impossibly expansive bust with her little hands.

Ashiri swooned dramatically in her seat, appearing emotionally wounded. I returned to eating, wondering at her reaction absently.

"I... I suppose I am a big girl by your ignorant interpretation," she eventually answered, blushing furiously. "I possess a particular trait which... signifies my belonging to a strong royal bloodline, you might say - it registers me in highest hierarchical regards." 

"Okay," I said. 

"T-this is a sensitive subject you're casually mentioning, so you're aware! Such brashness is insulting! I'm a lady, in case you've forgotten, saviour!"

"All right now, settle down already," I issued, having a bite of toast. "I was only curious, hm? You did say that I could ask you for anything I wanted, or something along those lines. If I made you feel badly, know that I'm very sorry. I meant no offense."

She squirmed in her seat for a long while, idly brushing the tops of her bosoms with dainty paws, looking about the floor nervously. I finished my breakfast throughout such, absently finding her discomfort priceless. 

"It's all right, I was just... er, surprised by your frankness," she finally relented, running her little digits along the circumference of her immensity in idle thought. "I'm sorry for being so short with you, since you saved my life, and I... um. So on the topic, do you... do you happen to like big girls, saviour David?"

The door shut behind me before she'd completed the sentence, my having already purposefully made for the bathing chambers during her thoughtful pause. 

"Ah, of course," she lamented to the empty room, shaking a small fist. "You're a terrible husband to me, my lascivious saviour! I'll get more than breakfast from you in due time, mark my words. Destiny shall not be thwarted! Oh, a sausage! Yum yum." 

To be continued.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> An old friend appears!

I was finally alone and back in the bathing room, the lack of any other lodgers there making the blissful moment even moreso remarkable - soon nude and submerged beneath the welcoming waters, my mind and body began to properly relax. 

Having no idea when I'd ever get the chance at a semblance of modern convenience again, I was determined to enjoy this wondrous frivolous luxury to the fullest extent - even moreso for having a chance to dissect my recent exploits and subsequent responsibilities without any undue interruptions. 

"You're in a serious pickle, Davie," I admitted to the empty chambers, swishing the waters idly with my hands. "These are the days that make you wonder if you have any connection to the normal world."

Despite the intrusion of my erstwhile kobold ward, nothing had been very clear since I'd left Thirbehld Keep in search of my family. I'd fought a few good fights, nearly died a few... um. Fifteen times? That seemed to be a palatable number.

Fought and prevailed despite the odds, assuming that I'd be able to ignore the frustrating humanity that plagued my heart after putting so many lives to the sword - to kill and conquer until my goal was met without a hint of moral reasoning was how every champion seemed to exist, as far as I'd figured. Was I wrong? 

"... morality, you harlot," I mused, blowing surface bubbles upon dunking my head.

I wasn't special. Or in honesty, I never figured that anything I did should be regarded as remarkable or make me markedly unique. My own fault, as I'd never considered that my father's role - his being an essential part of a very important class of world-spread heralded militia heroes known throughout every besotted town or city in the world - would eventually affect my life, although I reputedly possessed a lot of his gifts and talents in regards to fighting and killing. 

I wish I'd been prepared for what would eventually come to pass - inheriting all the unresolved shit he'd stirred up over a lifetime of murdering and conquering, and having to deal with it after he was gone. Damn it all. 

The bathroom's doorlatch activated.

My senses began to adjust to the dimensions of the room, and I was immediately attuned to the surroundings - behind me was a throwing dagger and a small club, two items I found invaluable whilst bathing, and a long heavy towel that had admittedly saved my life twice - I was a quick study in desperate situations, and I cannot stress enough the importance of having a heavy towel in your hands in close quarters. 

"Everyone decent?" the Innkeeper's wife called out. "I've no particular mind, just checking." 

Oh thank God.

"Good morning, Evelyn," I replied, every ounce of my paranoia draining away. "The water is lovely. Care to join me?" 

"Sure," she replied. "Just let me slip on my teenage years and I'll be right there, yuh skullbag."

I'd been in Ulrd Draec so many times I couldn't stand it, save that the city kept luring me back with hopes and proof that I'd finally found the path to my kidnapped family. 

Throughout my seeming endless travels, I'd quickly found that trust was a lie and anyone who was fool enough to believe in it deserved the dagger stuck in their back - for such, and being extremely thorough in deciding who to have faith in and how when it came to having no choice - I couldn't believe my good fortune when I'd met Kenneth and Evelyn. I couldn't suggest a more honest, well-meaning couple to see you through to the morning without threat of thieves or assassins or... you know, the other dangers: bed bugs, fleas, roaches, flies and the like. You know? The scary stuff.

I grabbed my towel, wrapped it about my waist, slipped out of the water and greeted Evelyn with a great big hug - small, red-haired and the capable hard-working wife of my best friend Kenneth Rup, she was the most beautiful woman I knew beyond... well. My mother and sisters would meet her one day. We'd all come here for a month and drink and be merry until we couldn't make any more. That was my dream.

"Gods you're beautiful," I grinned, pulling her close. "I can't wait to hug your husband as tightly."

She slapped me hard with an open palm, the echo playing off the walls as if in a canyon.

We laughed hysterically.

"Oh David, you're as mad as y'are handsome," she said as she hugged me back, dropping the towels and other washing to the floor. "Gods we've worried about you. Y'came in late last night, and Kenny said you had a partner with yeh?"

"Oh, right." I recalled. "I er... I saved a kobold princess from a slave troupe and... oh wow. It sounds sort of weird when I say it out loud. Ha! HAHAHA!"

I don't remember when I'd actually laughed out loud, and this was twice now. It was wonderful. 

"Sorry! Yes, I saved a kobold princess in Outlook Woods. I guess Ken would have noticed, since I'm usually always alone."

Evelyn merely chuckled, plucking the laundry off the floor, wriggling her eyebrows at me.

"Only for being on the subject, he told me that your kobold princess had bosoms that'd rival the size of three cattle," she smirked.

I didn't immediately respond, considering the description rather than the mirth in her voice.

"... maybe two," I surmised.

She laughed.

"Oh dear! Can't wait to see her in the flesh then - I told him he was going sideways for never taking a day off. Let's have dinner tonight before you go off and disappear as always, please David? We'll have a fine time, I promise. What's she like then?"

"I... have no idea." I admitted.

"Let's fix that," Evelyn tsked, patting my shoulder. "You bring her downstairs tonight for dinner and we'll all celebrate your having come back to Ulrd Draec - I'll even break out the good wine! Oh, and my lute! It'll be a great time! Agreed?"

"Anything you'd like," I assured her, hugging her one more time. "Anything that you want."

What could possibly go wrong?

To be continued.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Choices are freedom.

"Have you no ounce of decency or decorum, you cretinous wastrel!?" Evelyn barked, wagging a soup ladel, her glowering at me having already become too uncomfortable to bear. 

Her uncanny ability to make me squirm was unnatural.

"I... well, to be fair, I wasn't even sure that decency was an issue concerning monsters, whether they're a princess or otherwise," I admitted whilst retreating, holding my hands up defensively. "I mean, it's not like she's running around completely naked! Not... not completely anyway."

"Give me your damn room key right now," the fiery red-haired woman demanded, holding her hand out impatiently. "You're on thin ice, young man. That poor girl has suffered for Gods-know how long, and you don't even care enough to dress her in decent clothes?? Disgusting! You're an unfeeling, uncaring pig!"

I did as told, though just as I was about to place the room key in her awaiting palm, she snatched it violently from my grasp with lightning speed, turning towards the stairs with a derisive snort. 

"Honestly, I thought we'd taught you better manners! You left a princess in the tattered soiled gown she'd been kidnapped in, paraded her through town like some sort of lewd sex slave beast, and somehow figured that that was okay? Where's your brain at, exactly?" 

I sighed in defeat, shaking my head. 

"That's a very good question."

===

The vibrant caretaker had several closets of outfits she'd kept since a child available for the diminutive lizard girl to choose from, and was admittedly starting to get a tad obsessive for trying to dress the tiny creature up in the most adorable combination she could find. 

In Evelyn's mind, Ashiri was a lovely little curvy doll that she wanted David to notice, and selfishly enjoyed every second she had to play with her. 

"Please don't fuss over me, matron Evelyn!" Ashiri cried shyly, trying to catch her breath. "I... I'm not a princess in these lands - whatever you decide to let me wear is fine, I swear. David wouldn't want me causing you any trouble!"

The kobold gently pawed away the human's fawning attentions whilst blushing furiously, finding the fussing nearly too much to deal with - as it was, nothing about the woman's suggestions were going to work for her particular dimensions anyway, and the entire fanfare reminded her of why she'd run away from home in the first place.

Sadly, Evelyn was far too lovely to resist, making the matter even more hopeless.

"Are ye really gonna start arguing with me?" the Inn's matron spoke aloud, striking a very serious pose despite her warm smile. "I'm known to be a particularly dangerous sort when challenged, eh? You're either brave or out of yer tiny skull, lass. Which is it?" 

The quavering princess began to cry, her lower lip trembling, falling against the red-haired innkeeper with a pathetic wail.

"I'm a mess!" Ashiri wailed, hugging Evelyn about the waist. "I don't want to trouble you! You're just so pretty and amazing and strong and intimidating and nice and and and... please don't hate me! Wah!" 

"Gods, you're almost too adorable to bury in the back lot," the comely keeper's wife smirked, returning the desperate embrace of the distressed kobold maiden.

"How about ye just relax and forget about David for the moment, yeh?" 

"I... I don't think I can ever stop thinking about him," Ashiri admitted quietly, tail wagging absently. 

Evelyn quirked a brow. 

"Say what now, pet?" 

"He's very elusive, and I'm... not someone he wants to get to know, outside of his self-inflicted honour, but... I mean, he saved my life. He's mean, but I know it's a defence to keep people away!" 

The kobold wiped her tear-streaked cheeks, choking back a ragged sob.

"I adore him! Kobold females are very... intuitive and sensitive when it comes to the truest natures of others," she whispered. "He's beautiful. I saw it just after he rescued me."

The princess coughed into her clawed paw.

"I... I tried to seduce him. He was disgusted." 

"Wow. Uh, okay. That's a lot to process all at once," Evelyn admitted, walking the unbalanced kobold carefully to the end of her bed for a much needed seat. 

She offered Ashiri her apron to wipe her tears upon, which the monster accepted gratefully, looking positively mortified for having apparently bared her heart.

"I don't know what to do," she continued. "I assume David thinks of me as an... alligator or something? An animal or monster, at the very least. Nothing to be concerned about, except that for saving my life I'm sworn to be his doting wife by law. Our law, anyway. Which I'm delighted for, as he's absolutely perfect for me! Or... or maybe I'm being selfish and narrow-minded? I don't know anymore. Everything is happening so fast! I can't stop my heart from aching, and it's killing me!"

"Now now, the heart isn't a fool," Evelyn tutted. "No matter how hard it is to convince it that it may instead have manufactured a youthful crush as opposed to a proper committed resolution, the heart is never easy to fight or interpret."

The kobold heaved a heavy sigh, the inkeeper's wife noting the positively outrageous bouncing aftermath recited by the reptile's giant chest. 

"We don't... I mean, um. There's so much to tell you, and I can't figure out where to start. I'm so sorry."

Evelyn wrapped the princess up in a soothing embrace, cooing soft utterances whilst nuzzling her spiky forehead. 

"There there pet," she breathed softly. "How about we start at the beginning, hm? Tell me how you came to be here, for starters? I'm a good friend of David's, and I happen to consider him one of the last genuinely nice people left in these awful lands. I... don't think he thought you were disgusting, okay? Let's move on from there."

"O-okay," Ashiri said with a resolute nod, letting out a long sigh of relief as the tension relented, allowing her space enough to breathe. 

"He doesn't find me disgusting. I'll explain everything else."

===

I fumbled through the kitchen as Kenneth continued to watch over the nearly-completed dishes he'd been minding as per Evelyn's request - all manner of fancy things, including the glorious cut of prime beef roast the pair had been saving for a special occasion that the male innkeeper wasn't entirely convinced was warranted, save for his wife's murderous glare stating otherwise - requiring careful management beyond the common slop tend he was used to overseeing.

"Easy there now," Kenneth warned, tipping me upright before I stumbled, aligning me towards the pantry that I was initially trying to locate. "You're about as helpful a cook as you are a rainbow unicorn, get me?"

Admittedly, my frame wasn't made for close quarters; tall enough to be outstanding in a crowd, made all of thick weary-scarred muscle and possessing no inherent grace whatsoever, Kenneth had to laugh at my uninterpretable efforts.

"Just stop already," Kenneth choked, grabbing his chest whilst wracked with raucous guffaws. "What... what exactly in the Nine Hells are you trying to do man!?"

I froze in panic. I slowly emptied my arms, placing the various contents upon an open area of kitchen workspace, then blinked a few times.

"I thought I was helping?"

"Mate, you're about as much help as a blunt-trauma amputation," the innkeeper choked, trying to regain his breath. "What's going on?"

I regarded the area with a vacant expression - I wasn't entirely sure, to be honest.

"We're having dinner," I'd finally offered.

"Yeah aye, we know that," Kenneth smiled, clapping me on the chest. "I never asked you for help though, yet you've been so kind to be a huge pain in my tush for the last hour regardless! Are you okay there, Davie my son?"

"I... well no, since Evelyn scolded me. I thought I could be of some use clearing the... clutter, I guess?"

"Ah yeh, naturally that'd spook yeh," the charismatic innkeeper shuddered, checking various pans and pots in the meanwhile. "She's a wild woman, worthy of being feared by all. Nearly almost as much as... as..."

I blinked. 

"As much as what?" 

Kenneth turned around in dramatic fashion, holding his hands out as if cradling two giant watermelons, bouncing them lewdly in mid-air. 

"That lizard girl's huge knockers! Haw!" 

I casually cleared my throat, slowly reaching out towards Kenneth, then moved my best friend's hands outwards by a few precise inches. 

"That's about right," I surmised as best I could. "She's around there, to be fair."

"Gods you're a wet blanket without a drink," the disappointed innkeeper sighed. "We're almost done here, so how about despite my wife's insisting that we don't have any whiskey in the kitchen we have whiskey in the kitchen, yeh?"

"Absolutely," I nodded. "I'm... still a bit troubled by my current circumstances. A drink would definitely make everything worse."

"Good lad," Kenneth grinned, grabbing two glasses and his hidden bottle of Dwarven rye. "Let's drink to the ladies in our lives."

===

Evelyn leaned quietly against the diminutive princess as she cradled her, trying to process the last few sentences the little kobold had recited, mostly for being so long-winded and unbelievably suffocating. 

"So let me get this all straight," the red-haired woman coughed. "Your full royal name is 'Ashiri Dih, child Queen of Gittermend Fold in Gershon Province, the Future Bearer of Man's Children and Our Saviour King Whose Glory Shall Endure'?" 

"Yes," Ashiri admitted curtly, trying not to show her discomfort for the lot sounding so painfully ridiculous when spoken aloud.

"You're the daughter of a kobold hero king and a reputable kobold wizard heroine who were destined to marry and conceive a single glorious daughter; she would solely bear the child that would lift the entire species into industrial and diplomatic importance, birthing the half-breed progeny of a human and thus creating a magical genius monster leader whose rule would cement the destiny of your race for all the foreseeable future. Is that right?" 

"Y-yes."

"That's pretty harsh," Evelyn admitted, scratching her chin. "So uh... on a side note, is this kobold prophecy partly responsible for your having the boobs of an Ice Giant stripper?" 

Ashiri snapped her head sideways, staring incredulously at the red-headed human. 

"I... what?" 

Evelyn fell back onto the bed, laughing her ass off. 

"Oh my God! The... the look on your face just now! Utterly priceless! Wow, wow! I've seen some pretty shocked expressions in my life, but that?? That was absolutely incredible! Hahaha!" 

The princess looked down, inasmuch as she tucked her nose into the part of her mammoth cleavage that was highest, and couldn't discern her crushed feelings any further. 

"Hey. Hey! Stop! Stop thinking right now!" 

Turning her frazzled gaze towards her partner's voice, the kobold was seized at the waist and thrown headlong into a mass of pillows set neatly against the bed's headboard, then promptly pounced upon afterwards, pinned at the wrists by the suddenly wildly erratic keeper's wife. 

" I... I..." the little reptile stammered. 

"Repeat after me, darling: I am not a puppet of Fate - I can chase down my own destiny, and nothing can stop that from happening."

"I..." she choked, her body and mind still reeling from the murderous emotional hurt and sudden physical assault. 

Evelyn's eyes lit up, a soft pink flash of gentle influence turning the spirit of the bound princess.

"You're not a puppet, Ashiri. You can do whatever you want to in this one life - there are no other chances! Don't let some decrepit legend or fated destiny garbage change the fact that you're a free-thinking beautiful woman with her entire life ahead of her. Say it!"

"I'm scared," she whined pathetically. "I don't know what to do beyond my purpose!" 

Evelyn cackled, rolling off of the panting kobold, laying directly beside her. 

"You should be scared," the human woman noted. "How do you feel beyond that?" 

Ashiri considered the question more seriously as the severity of her reactions subsided, then gasped. 

"My chest feels funny," she said in a clear tone. 

"Lighter?"

"Yes. It's like I'm breathing air for the first time. My heart is... I can feel it. What did you do??" 

"Say it," the human woman insisted.

"I'm... what you said? I... am not a puppet."

"Again, with feeling pet."

"I'm not a puppet of Fate! Nothing can stop me!" 

A warm feeling flooded out from the chest of the startled kobold, flowing into the furthest points of the prone princess, leaving her gasping for air and smiling genuinely for the first time since she was a child. 

"Oh Spirits... I'm so light! I... I feel so amazing! H-how is this possible?? It's as if I've been reborn, matron Evelyn!" 

The keeper's wife nodded absently, folding her hands behind her head. 

"All I did was offer you a choice, dearie. Nothing else - do what you want with it." 

The kobold blinked a few times, finding the warmth rapidly depleting, leaving a strange hollow in its wake.

"True freedom is the right to choose your own path, hum? Whether it's making the right choice or another mistake, none of us can grow as free spirits unless we're given allowance to actually be ourselves."

Ashiri put a paw upon her grandiose chest, attempting to slow the relentless pound of her heart, hitting as a mixture of terrified and elated. 

"I'm not sure what to feel anymore."

"That's fine. Do you still love David, at least?" 

"I do," Ashiri barked, sitting up, the bed shaking for her mass having jolted forward so suddenly.

"Being free to think for yourself, forgetting the anchor that'd locked your soul to the notion of being helpless, I... I guess I'll give you my blessing to pursue David's heart."

Ashiri blinked a few times, staring down at the woman's placid face. 

"He thinks I'm disgusting though."

"Oh bah, enough with that bullpucky," Evelyn sniffed, closing her eyes. "He just doesn't realise that he has any choices in life, the harrowing path set before him seeming insurmountable - he can still have a reason to live, albeit he's bound to a grand task of celestial importance."

Evelyn opened her eyes, locking her piercing gaze with the buxom hovering kobold, moving to clutch her reptilian head there. 

"I've tried to help him many times in the past... maybe you could help him? If you truly love him?" 

"Anything. I'll do anything!"

"All right. Let's have a nap before dinner. Try being quiet."

To be continued.


End file.
